SOOO over Perma-Camping and Bugs . . .

Hello All! This blog will not be a blog so much about what I am doing in Kenya but more about what I am feeling in Kenya. I wanted to share all of my experiences with you and this is just a bit more personal of one. It may not make the most sense but here are my thoughts.

In my first blog post I talked about not having fear. While I would like to say I stuck to that, it would not be the truth. I have a lot of fears. While I try to put them in the hands of God I find that I have a really hard time doing so. I have so many fears here in Kenya and not just for personal safety(read blog before).

Many of you may know that I have been doing more "being" in Kenya than actual work. I have been having a lot of struggles with this. While I love being with people here I find my motivation and enthusiasm for Kenya is slipping away. Don't get me wrong the best part of my week is when I am teaching English with my Form 1's (9th graders), but that's for and hour and a half a week. I tend to start creating a list of all the things that I miss from the states and I have found myself questioning if this was the path that God had planned for me. Usually when this happens, I begin to read the bible and just pray.

Today was another one of those days and as I was reading my bible tonight I came across Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding: in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." I have heard and read this verse so many times in my life but for some reason tonight it just stood out above all of the rest.

Trust. The first word is Trust. Trust is not something that comes easily for me. Maybe that's why I tonight it stopped me. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart", our entire relationship with God is based on trust and putting our whole heart into that relationship. "Wait just a minute", my mind says, "you mean your whole heart. You can't hold on to just one little piece". My heart answers, "yes, that is what is so great about God's love. He takes care of the whole thing." My mind and heart obviously don't agree.

"And lean not on your own understanding", this is about where the mind goes, "ohh right." So often I tend to try to take things into my own hands and figure my own way to take charge and make things better. This can often lead me more and more away from God and I tend to often misinterpret his message. This is why I begin to question why I here in Africa.

"In all your ways acknowledge him"- So many times, I also forget to acknowledge all the great things God has blessed me with in Africa. It is hard to remember sometimes when you eat the same meal almost everyday, have a freezing cold shower and a huge bug problem but He really has blessed. While I miss so much about home I need to remember that this is also God's great place and he has given me this great opportunity to just "be" with all of his great people and enjoy the beauty here.

"And he will make your path straight"- When I give my full heart to God, I find that Kenya is exactly where I need to be right now.

I am always amazed (though I shouldn't be) about how much scripture can really help put my life back into order. I always try to control my life and when I do I find it completely falls apart for me. The moment I turn to scripture and finally hand over my whole heart and mind to God my life all falls into place and I am at peace.

I think my main purpose of this post was both for me, but also for all of you, to remind you that we can't control anything even if we try so hard to do so. It is not until we surrender all and TRUST in God that all is right.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:4-7